We shared previously that I lost my mother this year. And, although we truly want this site/page to be about love, joy, Christmas magic and traditions, I know first-hand that grief and sadness are sometimes part of this special holiday.
Consider this blog part of my healing process. And, maybe if you are reading this and you too have lost someone, then you can understand the difficulty that holidays can present when you are grieving.
My mom had been diagnosed with FTD, Frontotemporal dementia in February of 2019. FTD is one of the rarest forms of dementia, but it is growing rapidly. It is striking people younger and younger in the prime of their lives. Despite her diagnosis in 2019, many of us close to her had noticed changes for quite a few years before.
FTD is a dementia that attacks the front of the brain. It robs you of your emotion, your personality, your decision making. It can make you impulsive, aggressive or extremely childlike. It makes you a completely different person, one without compassion or sadness, happiness or joy.
I feel like I’ve done a really great job living through this grief process so far, but it’s getting a bit trickier the closer we get to Christmas and the one-year anniversary of losing her (January 8). It’s even harder because my mom truly was a Christmas queen. In life, she was dedicated to making this holiday special for our family. My love of Christmas definitely comes from her.
Before she passed, I know I did everything I could for my mom. And although devastating, I know her passing was the best possible scenario for all involved. She didn’t suffer any longer or let FTD consume her any more than it already had. I know this. Its logical and right. But that is my head talking and not my heart.
That’s life, right? Your head and your heart don’t see eye to eye. They don’t speak the same language. I struggle every day with that.
In therapy, you are taught that mindset is everything. Mind over heart is difficult in the holiday season when everything we do is built on love and family. Christmas is about feeling safe, loved, excited, cozy, optimistic and thankful. When your heart is feeling sad about missing someone, it can overtake all those other emotions and drown out the wonder of the season.
I will continue to work to get my head and my heart on the same page. I will continue to live my life choosing to see more of the positive, the beauty in life. I will continue to choose gratitude because that’s how I can stay healthy.
It’s not easy, though. And that’s okay.
In honor of my mom, I want to share some pictures of her Christmas decorations of the past. We created or shopped for so many of these things together. Seeing these pictures brings me joy, reminds me of all our time together. It also brings sadness as many items were sold at an estate sale this summer. Enjoy these memories….and know that my mom’s love of Christmas is shining through!
-Christmas Gal Shendra
